Sixth and College
It seems so long ago that I lived in a dorm, but really it was just one year ago. I was a freshman. Silly. Scared. Anxious. So anxious. Every day I had a series of debilitating panic attacks. I knew no one, but a few girls that lived on my floor. And even then, I just knew their faces. I knew next to nothing about them- maybe their name.
It was the first week of school. The university was trying to promote its super fun activities. They had a couple bands play one night. All the girls on my floor seemed so excited. Inside I wanted to scream. Scream so loud I would end up at home. But that wasn't going to happen. Portland was a long way away. So I went to the outdoor concert and tried to seem happy. I tried to seem together.
The concert was fun, I guess. I didn't know who was playing. It wasn't rap. It wasn't too extreme in any musical direction, so it was nice for everyone. I noticed one of the girls had slipped away. I would never want to be left out, myself, so I searched for her, just with my eyes. Smoking a cigarette in the designated area is where I spotted her. Sitting on the railing. Skate shoes. Jeans. A sort of college uniform.
Hey man.
Hey.
How's it going.
Alright.
How are you.
Alright.
How could I say, "Oh you know just crippled with anxiety, how are you dear?" I couldn't. At the same time I couldn't stand the typical talk of majors and home towns, dreams and aspirations, but I would. And we did. For a little while. I don't remember who was the first to open up. I don't remember if it was blunt or gradual. But it happened.
Everyone judges me for smoking here.
I don't.
Do you want a drag?
I don't smoke, but all my friends back home do. It's your choice, you know.
Yeah.
Im in the college of art and architecture.
Im in the college of art and architecture.
Im from Portland.
Im from Seattle.
Im homesick.
Me too. Oh my god, me too.
And there it was. Two west coast girls missing the west coast. It was a strong bond to have in that small Idaho city of Moscow.
My Little Friend, Anxiety
516 SW College
Everyone feels anxious from time to time. Everyone feels anxious from time to time. Everyone feels anxious from time to time. Everyone feels anxious from time to time. Everyone feels anxious from time to time. About 5% of U.S. adults experience generalized anxiety disorder at some point during their lifetime, and about 3% have it in any given year. 3% have it in any given year. 3% have it in any given year. Affects their body. Worrying is excessive. Worrying is excessive. Worrying is excessive. Everyone feels anxious from time to time. Anxiety is a normal human emotion. Anxiety is a normal human emotion. Anxiety is a normal human emotion. Feelings of terror that strike without warning. Fear and terror. Feeling a loss of control. Extremely anxious and fearful. All-overs, angst, ants in pants, apprehension, botheration, butterflies, care, cold sweat, concern, creeps, disquiet, disquietude, distress, doubt, downer, drag, dread, fidgets, flap, foreboding, fretfulness, fuss, goose bumps, heebie-jeebies, jitters, jumps, misery, misgiving, mistrust, nail-biting, needles, nervousness, panic, pins and needles, restlessness, shakes, shivers, solicitude, suffering, suspense, sweat, trouble, uncertainty, unease, uneasiness, watchfulness, willies, worriment. Everyone feels anxious from time to time. Anxiety is a normal human emotion.
(source webmd.org and dictionary.com)
Home Sweet Home
South Park Blocks
About halfway through my semester in Idaho I decided that I would finish out the term and then go home to Portland. Home was such a loaded word for me. Full of love and joy and happiness. My expectation of home was so great.
When I came back to Portland I moved back in with my dad. Of course, I was so excited for home, home, home, that when I arrived I was devastated by reality. All the progress I had made, emotionally, was destroyed. I was scared again. Scared for what could come next.
Now I live Downtown, in the heart of PSU. And it's finally home. Really home. Home with all the comforts. I still have my bad days, but now I have a home.
Close But Far
Ninth and Montgomery
Close
All night
Movies
Couches
Laughing
Exploring the wilderness-
of fake plants.
Does that reflect?
I suppose
Im leaving
Im preoccupied
I cant
You wont.
Was far
Now close
But I still cant,
If you still wont.
Two Unrealistic Fears
Ninth from Mill to Market
As I approach the streetcar I fear it will ring its bell at me. It makes me feel so guilty.
I like to be efficient when walking around town. If there are no cars, I cross even when the signal says not to walk. I stop, I look, I listen, and I fear I will be pulled over for jaywalking.
Inside Joke
Tenth and Main
In the summer a group of old people sit outside their decorative, but worn, apartment building. They smoke and talk and tan. It's really sweet. They remind me of the mother's story in Requiem for a Dream. I think about it every time I pass that building.
The Dog And The Bell
Tenth and Yamhill
A psychologist rang a bell and then gave the dog it's food everyday for a while. They dog would salivate and eat it's food. One day the psychologist rang the bell, but did not give the dog it's food. The dog salivated without smell or sight of the food. The dog salivated to the sound of the bell. The End.
Uncomfortable Unemployment
Tenth and Stark
"Could you sign that one for me."
"Hi, how are you guys doing tonight?"
"Seven dollars before five, nine dollars after, and six dollars for students, seniors, and teachers."
"No, we don't validate parking, I'm sorry."
"Yeah, let me take you back. So we have six screens, which I think is pretty substantial for the space we have here. They are all digital projection. Here we are, this is one of our mid-size theaters, we range from 38-62 seats in each theater. There are cocktail tables in the back and the front, then there's the more regular theater seating in the middle- kind of like first class. We have trays, so even if there is no room to get a table you can still eat while you watch. We have a full bar and restaurant menu, as well as espresso and concession items."
"We can actually help you inside."
"Let me check for you, hold on."
"There are about six minutes of previews"
"Have a good night."
Emily
1022 SW Stark
I miss you like bananas miss their peel.
-Emily
I miss you like I miss a water buffalo in a drought.
-Jasmine
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